29 March 2012

Colin The Butcher

If you have read my profile you will notice that Colin the local butcher gets a mention as in...."pace of life is slow and Colin the butcher knows everyone by name". This does pretty much sum up the type of small town I live in and as blogs are, on the whole, a carefully edited version of life, it is a factually correct statement. But the interesting bits are always what is left out and what I failed to mention is that Colin is unable to interact, whilst serving up his very fine quality meat, without a large helping of sexual inuendo.
Things usually start out fine with a "Hello Lisa you're looking very beautiful today" which must be seen in context i.e my town is a popular spot for retirement so, inspite of my daughters considering me to be well past it, I could be construed as "totty" at least by Colin. I would probably reply with something polite and banal like ''er thanks Colin...weather's beautiful today isn't it"...you'll notice my skillful steering of the conversation into safe territory. Should I then ask for chicken fillets all is lost "Oh yes Lisa I have a lovely pair of breasts for you"...at this point I debate whether it is the excessive diet of red meat that makes Colin "Colin" or was it that he watched too much "Benny Hill" (British comedian in 1970's all very seaside, slap and tickle) in his formative years?
 If I'm devious and ask for something devoid of any butcherly banter such as mincebeef he will always counter my ploy and add "Do you have a bag Lisa". Now this is a trick question because if I'm foolish enough not to have brought one and I say "No" he will then reply "Shall I give you one?" However if I say "Yes Colin I've brought my own bag today" he will then have a really big smile on his face, walk over to my side of the counter and  proudly holding my purchase say "Shall I just slip it in for you". At this point I accept defeat.."Bye Colin..have a nice week".


When I was small I would play for hours dressing up in my mum's clothes...black lacey full skirted party dresses, astrakan coats and fox fur stoles. Which brings us to jade dressed in my clothes for a photoshoot taken by India for her A level photography...who would have thought that India's homework would have Cameron and I racing around styling her shoot, Jade reluctantly being her model again and dogs locked inside house barking to get out.